We are pregnant! 14.5 weeks to be exact. My due date is July 14. God's timing is just perfect really, a summer baby is what you shoot for if you work in a school system since there is no maternity leave (although any day of the year would have been wonderful to me). I have now finally told my boss that I am going to have a baby and she was thrilled. That was one thing I was very nervous about. As a first year counselor, life at that school isn't guaranteed (and still isn't) but her reaction made me feel like it is more than likely I will be back at the school next year. I pray it is because I love my job so much and feel that I've just barely started to make a difference. I think in a few years I will have things figured out that I will really be able to impact these student's lives.
So the details:
If you've been reading, you know I struggled over when to ask for help with getting our family started. But, I finally did... and God blessed us every bit of the way. We found out we were pregnant in November, probably the first week of November, after I PROMISED myself I wouldn't take a test for 2 weeks or so. Well, that didn't happen and at 10 dpo I tested anyways, and saw a faint, faint line. I ran in to tell Ben and he said, "I see nothing, go back to bed..." It was 5am after all. So I went and took another (different brand) and again a faint, faint line. At this Ben looked at me and said I'll believe it when the doctor confirms it.
That afternoon I went to CVS and got a digital one and sure enough....
I went into Ben's garage while he was working and showed him and he just laughed, he couldn't do anything else.
Fast forward to 6 weeks 5 days pregnant and we had our first doctors appointment.
The ultrasound technician immediately found a little baby and was taking tons of measurements as Ben and I ooh'd and aahh'd over it. Then it occurred to me that I had been praying that God would take care of the 'babies' that may be in there, I just had a hunch. So as I was opening my mouth and asking, 'Is it just one?' the other ultrasound tech stopped the one working and said, "There, right there, do you see that?" and she looked down at me and said, "Nope, not just one." I lost it. Hysterical is a good word to describe it. Ben laughed and cried at the same time I think. All I could do was ask the lady if she was serious?! over and over again.
She moved to the second baby and took measurements, found a perfect heart beat and snapped some pictures.
Both babies were doing well, measuring 4 days apart, which I was told was completely normal and both had strong heartbeats. We met with our doctor while we were still in shock and she said that the next ultrasound I'd get would be at 18 weeks in February. Ben asked about them measuring differently and if we could see them again sooner to make sure they were okay.
She agreed (to appease us), and we left with the next appointment a month away and not knowing what to even say to each other. We literally just looked at each other in the elevator and laughed. Ben's mind immediately went to our tiny house and tiny car, and how we would possibly live?!?! I read to him over and over "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" Matthew 6:26
I knew God would take care of us and I knew he gave us these babies and would, as he ALWAYS has, provide for us.
We still kept it to ourselves though, because I was a twin and my mom had lost the other one, so it was in the back of my mind, I thought I'd rather wait until everything was safe. As the days went by though I got more and more excited and felt like my heart was swollen with love, like I couldn't believe that I was going to have 2 children. I worried about bed-rest and premature labor, but at the same time I was so incredibly sick and tired that I didn't have a ton of time to worry. I went to work, came home and slept... a lot, most of November and December. I had one day at 9 weeks pregnant when I lost it and was convinced that I was not worthy enough of having two children and something was wrong, but Ben and my mom talked me into calming down, that I was just emotional and everything was fine!
Ben rented me a heart doppler for an early Christmas present though (the lady at the maternity store recommended it as a gift) and just a few days after that major panic I had, we were able to hear a sweet heart beat on that monitor. Not knowing what we were doing and finding one was pretty lucky! (I knew it was for entertainment purposes only though and the odds of us finding it that early were low).
Just a couple days later, at 10 weeks, 5 days we had our second appointment, 3 days before Christmas. I had called and changed our appointment from after Christmas to before Christmas because I needed to see them before the holiday. I had called several times trying to change it and was told there was nothing open, until I feel I was finally honest with myself and God that I needed to see them and stopped making excuses for why it would be convenient to see them, but that I really was feeling uneasy and wanted to know before everyone gave me two of things on Christmas day. When I prayed to him and asked please for that appointment, the lady who answered worked magic.
We went in, nervous as I could be, and the ultra sound tech immediately found a Baby B, same as before since Baby B was higher than Baby A. She took measurements, saw a heart beat and we watched its little hands and feet just kick and wiggle around and even saw it stretch. It was amazing!
She moved to Baby A and I immediately could tell that Baby A was not moving like Baby B. She turned and looked at me and didn't say anything. I knew. I asked, "There's no heartbeat is there?" She just said, "I am so sorry...." She got up and tried to make sure my doctor wouldn't leave for the day since we weren't originally expecting to see her right after the appointment. When she came back she still had to take pictures of it and measurements and everything as I just laid there and cried.
It was the strangest feeling in the world. I was so devastated for that little baby that once was moving and had a strong heartbeat, but yet, I was still pregnant. I still had one little baby that was moving and wiggling and stretching in there that was worth celebrating.
I assured everyone there that we were fine and it was okay through my tears and kept telling them (and myself), "I'm still pregnant, I'm still pregnant." But Ben and I were both very upset.
We went home and I stayed in bed and cried. The next morning I woke up and found Ben in what will be the nursery putting together a crib. I think it was his way of assuring himself it would all be okay. We went over and over all the positives. Preterm labor and bed-rest risks dropped, only one day-care bill, our car and house would be fine (although they would have been anyways)..... but at the same time, we would have done all of that if we could have.
After that I didn't want anyone else to know we were pregnant, still even after 11 and 12 weeks came and went. I still had a feeling in my stomach that something would go wrong. Ben's mom kept asking me if she could tell people that she was having a grand-baby (she asked every single week since we told her I was pregnant) and I had one major break down when I told her to STOP asking me and that I would tell her when I was ready for people to know. She said, but its been 11 weeks and I explained, and you aren't the one who just lost a baby!!!
It hurt and honestly, still hurts. I can't pretend that I know what it is like to miscarry a singleton baby, or lose an entire pregnancy, but seeing a baby that was once alive, not alive anymore is very sad. I know that it was God's plan, and that something was likely genetically wrong with the baby, but it is still painful.
Then at 12 w 5 days, I had a scary night that I thought was the end of both babies, even though the doctor told me there could be spotting and other issues, I still panicked. I went the next morning for an ultrasound and praise the Lord, Baby B was still growing and doing great. It's been measuring 1 or 2 days ahead and just wiggles and wiggles. I didn't get any video of this one because of my hysteria and urgency to go in, but after that appointment I felt a wave of peace finally wash over me that everything will be fine (I'm sure God had been trying to provide me peace prior to that but my worldly, worrisome self wouldn't let go). I could finally let myself be pregnant and be excited! (Apparently it's little legs were tucked somewhere here???)
For those of you who are curious, because it seems everyone is, when one of set of twins doesn't make it (often called Vanishing Twin Syndrome), the body is still making the hormones and may not realize that it lost one. Sometimes it may. There is a chance of miscarry and is rarely problematic for the surviving baby, I've been told more often than not, the surviving baby isn't effected AT ALL. The other, most common, scenario is that the baby that didn't make it, just sort of dissolves and is absorbed into the rest of the tissue. From what I've read though, most people didn't have any symptoms at all and continued to have a normal singleton pregnancy.
We had a regular appointment today and heard a sweet, strong heartbeat and everything is wonderful! We go back in 3 & 1/2 weeks for the big ultrasound when they confirm the gender.