So lets talk real for a minute. (Something I am not very quick to do.)
I'm turning 27 in 5 days and I think that means I'm growing up.
Apparently its inevitable. (I've been told its, "Better than the alternative.")
Well, I'm not getting any younger and if you put 2 + 2 together, you probably gathered that I'm itching to have kids. Ben and I are settled people, and I have to admit that turning 27 makes me a little more ready for it, but also, having PCOS is a huge part of wanting kids to happen sooner than later.
Its no secret that it may take a long time for me to get pregnant. I do feel blessed that I have known about this for years. I always knew that when I wanted to have kids I wouldn't be one of those people who decided now was the time and 9 months later pop out a baby. I'm okay with that. I have very strong faith and I have know since I have a conscious memory that I am going to be a mother.
But its become a little more tricky than just waiting and seeing...
I graduate in 3 months.... THREE!
Once I was within 10 months of graduating the baby talk got louder because that was when Ben and I always planned that we'd be ready. When I was done with school, we'd be free to have babies!
Now that it is all a reality and we've been not trying to not be pregnant for quite some time, its becoming very real that, wow, I am going to have to make a decision on when exactly we want to REALLY pursue getting pregnant (ie: assistance).
I was doing really well leaving it up to God. Now, you may think, well that is because you knew you wouldn't get pregnant, right? And yeah, that probably made me less nervous, thinking that it wasn't likely I would get pregnant, but I also have always thought, maybe I will.... maybe I will defy the odds and then if I did, it was 100% God's will! But that hasn't happened.
In school counseling, and the ideal world, you would get pregnant in August and have a baby in May working it around the school year to have the summer off and not have to lose pay if you don't have time off built up.
In an ideal world right?
But I'm not so sure we live in that world.
So I can't stop the 'what if' questions. This is where I am struggling with the where does Faith come in... if I am supposed to DO something to make it or make it not happen, how do I know? Make sense? How am I going to know if God wants it to happen now or later. Can he just send me an email? Take those pills THIS month! :)
So you want to know the what ifs? Probably not because I don't really believe in 'what ifs' either... but right now I'm stuck in them.
Okay, just for fun....
What if all the assistance works like its supposed to and (yay!) I get pregnant as planned.... will I be able to make it through my FIRST year as a counselor pregnant? What if I get pregnant and I am due or have the baby before school is out? Will I keep my job having to take maternity leave without having any time off yet? What if I wait and then it takes so long to actually get pregnant and I lose very precious time?? (I think what if 3 scares me more than anything).
I am very ready to be a mom. I am ready to be stable. I am ready to have a job. To make it work.
Problem is: I don't have that job. I don't know where I will be, I don't know how long it will take to get pregnant. I don't know anything! :) Yes, scream to me that this is where Faith comes in. Faith is believing what you cannot see. (Repeat) But I just want to make sure that I am not going to make the wrong decision.
Bottom line: I want to get pregnant. Ben says he's ready the DAY I sign a contract for a job. But I am afraid that I will ruin an opportunity that God has given me if I jump the gun too soon. If he hasn't let me get pregnant so far, how do I know that its not Him telling me the time isn't right?
I've had many people tell me, don't work kids around a career, don't try to plan or you'll never have them, there is never a perfect time, don't wait until you have enough money because there is never enough money.... on and on.
Anyways... lots of questions....
PS - Tonight officially started my birthday week (or week and a half)!